Sex & The Sugas - Part 4

Sex & The Suga’s, brought to you by The Coconet, is an after-hours series written exclusively by Pasifika women, talking about all things sex and sexuality. A subject that is usually shied away from in Island culture, five women of various ages, sexual identities and island backgrounds, reveal some of their personal experiences and explore what their sexuality means to them. Stay tuned for a new story each week, after 10pm every Wednesday!

Sasha , 44, Cook Islands

As far as my brain would allow me to remember, I would say I was first exposed to sex at the mere age of 7. It was me. Sitting on the red lazy boy in the downstairs lounge, breathing in the smell of my Mum’s freshly moisturised hand that abruptly crossed my eye line when the man aggressively took the ladies dress off. Even when I couldn’t see what was on screen while Mum scrambled for that remote, I knew that whatever was happening, wasn’t violent.

I grew suspicious... fast. 

 My upbringing was fast paced. I played tennis at a high level so it was inevitable… dabbling in boys or relationships was never supposed to be on the cards for me. Well that was until I met my boyfriend… at 13. 

It took me a while to tell my Mum about my first boyfriend but in all honesty, the thrill of sneaking around for the first year of our relationship added to the excitement too. We literally turned into rabbits. That, all with the pressure to remain focused on school, sport and family... Sex was the only thing on my little mind. I feel like it turned into my outlet - even over tennis.

I started to see my body in a different light and explored how far I was willing to go with someone that I felt comfortable to be free with. For me, it was more than just a physical encounter. It was a stimulating mental state that took me away from the realities and pressures of a sporting life that I slowly started to get sick of.

I vividly remember my Nenni (grandmother) sitting me down when she found out I was in a relationship (3 years after the fact) and drilling the expectations and values of a young Polynesian woman into me. It scared me so much, I didn’t have sex for a week! (Pffft - I know. But it felt like a year at the time). The way I saw it was, so long as I didn’t fall pregnant, I was safe. 

Finished my years of school successfully and enrolled into uni. My 8 year relationship was coming to an end. A prime opportunity popped up for Tennis that I knew I needed to take - all before I found out I was pregnant. The cookie cutter image I held onto for so long was coming to a halt.

Opportunities were flying at me left right and centre and all I could see was the daunting consequences of having a child at 21, flushing them all away. Not to mention the the heart attack it would give my 72 year old Nenni, who might I add, held a very high title in her family. That kind of shame, I wasn’t willing to carry. 

I was so desperate to uphold the reputation I held for not only myself, my family, but more importantly, my culture. I needed to have a termination. With the help and supportive words of people around me, whether they were for or against it, I knew that nothing was going to sway the decision I knew I was about to make.

I took the selfish option to abort the life that never ask to be created and ran myself into a state of depression. It took a toll on me, and for months on end, I lay in a puddle of tears knowing full well that this traumatic experience would change my outlook on everything in my life - especially Sex. The thought of it made me sick.

After surrendering it all to my God, I managed to slowly find my feet again. Looking back, I had so many questions for my 21 year old self. Was it all worth giving up for terminating? Would things have slowly worked out if I didn’t take the selfish leap that I did? My mind ran itself in circles. If anything, it saddened me to know the lengths I was willing to go as a young Pacific Island woman. 

My relationship with my partner at the time came to an end. I retired from tennis at 23 to focus on my career and everything slowly, but surely, found it’s way back into place. 

Being now 43, married with 3 beautiful daughters, I don’t think I could say that being educated on the subject of sex would have helped me so much. I knew what it was. I knew what the risks were. I guess what I would have wanted was a diluted version of expectations drilled into my innocent little mind. In my opinion, we as Pacific Islander’s take the weight of those around us on our own shoulders.

I truly believe that when we’re being told to stick to a certain script with no other option for balance, we tend to drift off and do the total opposite (even behind the very backs of those we love). This is definitely not to discredit the village that raised me. I was fortunate enough to have parents that I was openly able to communicate with. But maybe that was just it? The disappointment was music I wasn’t willing to face.