Sex & The Suga's - Part 5

Sex & The Suga’s, brought to you by The Coconet, is an after-hours series written exclusively by Pasifika women, talking about all things sex and sexuality. A subject that is usually shied away from in Island culture, five women of various ages, sexual identities and island backgrounds, reveal some of their personal experiences and explore what their sexuality means to them. Stay tuned for a new story each week, after 10pm every Wednesday!

Part 5. 

Kat, 35, Samoan. 

I am of full Samoan heritage, born and raised here in New Zealand & am now a proud single Mother of 3 children.

I grew up in West Auckland only knowing what was normal through the things that surrounded me. This was obeying your parents, staying truthful, doing as you were being told and turning up to all family or church events ready to work. Because I was the only girl and the youngest, I had a lot of expectations to live up to; something I was reminded of, everyday.

My 1st sexual experience was when I was 17 years old. It was the year I was turning 18 and I was in my last year of high school. At the time, I was dating a guy who was well known around school. My boyfriend at the time wanted to take me out on my 18th and it was during exam season. That day, (my 18th birthday) we went out instead of studying and we did things I hadn’t imagined I’d be doing - until it happend.

He asked me if I was a virgin and I said yes, he then proceeded to ask me if he could change that, I agreed again. Looking back at it now, I feel like maybe I had said yes just because I was in the moment and maybe too scared to say no - quite possibly because it was my birthday as well.

Growing up as a Samoan woman, my biggest challenge was going behind my parents back, being in relationships and of course, them finding out that I was pregnant at 19 years old, I had only just left school and I had so much ahead of me but even more so, the biggest thing that weighed me down was the expectations of my parents - it dawned on me even more.

I was in shock when I found out. The first thing that happened though was that I didn’t care about my own thoughts; only the thoughts of my parents - especially with a strict Mum like mine.

Once my children get older or to the age where they start asking questions about their own body’s/sexuality etc, I want to be prepared and comfortable to have these conversations.  That was a big lesson for myself growing up.

Now that I am a born again Christian, I’ve learnt for myself and even through my own church that in my church it’s okay to talk about it but in a godly and righteous way where we aren’t bombarded by the pressures and clout of this world - but through the worthiness of ones body which has been gifted to us as a temple.  Each to their own, but I know that’s what I stand by and looking back at it now, it makes even more sense.

I feel like it’s important for us to educate our children, because I know that I don’t want to see my kids go through the same experiences I went through. I just want them to know that they can always come and talk to me about anything and that being able to be open up and share what they’re feeling both physically and emotionally is okay!

Trust is key and I want them to be able to use that with their own mother!  This would also give them fair idea of what they can expect in life but also that they can make better decisions in their life.