Women's Abuse Stories - Escaping Abuse

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and it is an opportunity to shed more light on an issue that has claimed too many lives. It's also an opportunity for everyone to take a stand against domestic violence.

The following is one woman's story of abuse in the home and how church and culture played a role in preventing her escape. 

"I found myself in a lawyer’s office the morning after a brutal beating. I couldn’t walk properly due to the bruising all over my legs and back. The swelling on my head was covered by a beanie. I sat there staunchly asking for help to get the abuser out of our home. The lawyer and his assistant were kind and gentle beyond all expectation and that’s where my defences crumbled and the tears flowed freely. They started the legal process that would hopefully keep me and my children safe and keep the abusive person away from our home.

A couple of days later, an Uncle and Aunty came to visit. They were Faife’au and Faletua in their church. When I told them that I had asked the abuser to leave and why, they turned to me and rebuked me for my pride, “Who do you think you are? Who is going to feed you and feed your children? You go and find him right now and you get down on bended knee in front of him and beg his forgiveness for your high mindedness. How dare you think you can chase that man away from his children, who do you think you are?”

I remember trying to challenge them – “…but the scriptures say that we should kneel down to nobody but God!”.   This only resulted in another sermon on how pride was a sin and that I was bringing a curse upon my children due to my selfish actions. My father had passed away and my mother and sisters were living overseas. My Uncle and Aunty were the closest things to parents that I had at the time.

Before I knew what was happening, he was sitting on the dining table chair in front of me and I was on my knees, begging him to forgive me for my pride, for my selfishness and for daring to tell him to leave our home.

I remember being out of my body, watching myself kneeling and crying in hope that I would not be beaten again and that I would be forgiven for my pride and selfish actions. My Uncle and Aunty called later that week to see if I had carried out their instructions. I was praised for humbling myself and turning away from my prideful ways to follow what Jesus would have me do, but inside, I was already dead.

 

REFLECTION ON THIS INCIDENT: This was not an easy incident for me to share because the woman I am today thinks of the woman kneeling on the dining room floor that day, many moons ago, as a character in a story. This kind of thing could never happen in real life right?

It is not a feature of Fa’aSamoa to treat a woman, or indeed a child or any other Samoan individual, with such disregard. Since 1830, the impact of the influence of the early missionaries changed the landscape of aiga relationships, forever. I believe that family influences play a significant part in how the Samoan male chooses to treat or mistreat his family. The beauty of a collective mindset can sometimes come at a too-high cost to the dignity, safety and happiness of the individual. Uncle and Aunty had the opportunity to stand up for me and my children and ensure that I was safe from the abuser. Instead, like many “God-fearing Samoan Christians”, they became so tunnel-visioned in their beliefs that they overlooked the needs of the individual who was standing before them, bruised and battered.

As the first-born, I was accustomed to obeying without question and doing whatever was needed, to keep the peace. Finding my way to a lawyer’s office to seek assistance and support, was a risky and scary choice for me to make – you don’t do that to a member of your family! Yet, I also felt a sense of confidence develop, during the hour long appointment. Unfortunately, this confidence, despite the kind and firm reassurances of the lawyer and his assistant was not powerful enough to overcome decades of conditioning and I succumbed to the pressure being applied by Uncle and Aunty, who I think meant well, but didn’t know any better, therefore did not support in a manner that ensured my safety and dignity. Not once, was the role and responsibility of the abuser brought up – a practice that, unfortunately, continues today. If anything, he was portrayed as a victim of my selfishness and pride. Unfortunately, experience has taught me that the female or child victim will nearly always be held accountable for instigating or escalating the abuse episode.

When I finally found my voice, I decided that I would be silenced no longer. It took me 40 years to find my voice, and nobody is going to shut me up again. When I found my voice, I found my power. I consider that it is now my responsibility and privilege to help others, who have experienced abuse, to find their voices and to lend them my voice until they do." 

If you find yourself in an abusive/violent situation, the following hotlines are availabe: 

The Family Violence Information Line (0800 456 450) - provides self-help information and connects people to services where appropriate. It is available seven days a week, from 9am to 11pm, with an after-hours message redirecting callers in the case of an emergency.

Women’s Refuge 0800 733 843

Shine: 0508 744 633 – domestic abuse helpline with professional support

In an emergency phone Police 111