Sex & the Sugas - Part 3
Sex & The Suga’s, brought to you by The Coconet, is an after-hours series written exclusively by Pasifika women, talking about all things sex and sexuality. A subject that is usually shied away from in Island culture, five women of various ages, sexual identities and island backgrounds, reveal some of their personal experiences and explore what their sexuality means to them. Stay tuned for a new story each week, after 10pm every Wednesday!
Part 3.
Lose, 28, Tongan.
“I didn’t have a girlfriend to have sex with. I dated boys who wanted to have sex but I didn’t want to, I said no. It’s one thing to go to your parents as a heterosexual couple (which is accepted), but it’s another thing to ask to have sex and teach me about having sex with girl. So I had to confide in friends and do research.”
I started having sex when I was 21. I knew I wanted to have sex, but I didn’t have sex until I got to New Zealand, because I couldn’t have sex back home. People are always curious growing up about sex, but because I’m a lesbian, I had no one to ask about how women have sex. I had to do my own research; I watched a lot of TV shows, all six seasons of The L Word.
When I did eventually have sex with my first girlfriend, I think because we’d talked about it and I told her that I hadn’t had sex before. We talked through it and she explained it to me, and that was the first time I ever had sex, it was great.
It wasn’t as straightforward like it is with a man and a woman. Heterosexual couples very different to gay couples, so I had to learn about sex and the female body.
With new partners, they would ask how I knew things, and I would say it’s because I learnt and asked questions when I first had sex; what works and what doesn’t work.
I understand why there is that restriction around talking about it, because intimacy is so sacred. But I think as we change and grow up and get influenced, it’s important to discuss it. My parents must know us kids have sex, but we don’t talk about it, and it’s the same with my brothers; I know they’re having sex but I wouldn’t want them to come and talk to me about it.
In my eyes they’re always my little brothers, I’ll give them the talk about using protection, but then the conversation will switch. It feels uncomfortable coming out of my mouth to my brothers or sisters.
The more you talk about an uncomfortable situation, the more it becomes normalized. I guess because our parents were raised in a specific way, it takes time for them to adjust to our generation now.
Pacific culture is different; because we have culture and religion and certain parameters around what we can and can’t talk about. Its not like we’re not talking about it at all, but if we feel we can’t talk to our parents about sex then we’ll find other means to find information and talk about it. Maybe it would be great if we could, but really why would we want our parents to know what’s going on behind closed doors?
Topics like teenage pregnancy are topics we should be able to talk to our parents about. But we can’t change how our parents think; some of our parents are so set in their ways that they can’t change. They can instill so much fear in us with rules around sex. As young Pacific Islanders, we should know that if we cant go to our parents, then there are so many other ways to be informed. We’re not living under a rock, don’t be naive and think you’re parents are the only place to go to.
Both physical and emotional connections are crucial for me. You have to have both, because it heightens everything. It takes the relationship to another level, if you have sex with someone you love, it’s amazing. This is one of the ways I show my feelings and appreciation for my partner, being physical.
Remember you’re not having sex with yourself, you’re having sex with someone else too and if you don’t know what to do it can be a bad experience that stays with you. Ask your friends or research online if you need information about sex or how to have sex. Don’t be ashamed, intimacy it’s a great thing.