I DON’T WANT TO BE A CARER, I JUST WANT TO BE A DAUGHTER

By Grace Taylor 

Something you would not expect the daughter of a Samoan woman to say, but yeah, I said it.

Being afakasi, my mother tongue was not a fluent language for me but what I did learn was fa’a Samoa. Mostly as an observer and occasional participant. By the time I was in my mid-20s I had learned how to navigate the politics of my afakasi-ness well. This fringe dwelling position granted me the ability to exercise analyzing the sociology of fa’a Samoa from the perspective of one that dips her toes in each worlds simultaneously. Two key principles of fa’a Samoa is alofa (love) and aiga (family). Whilst I have only been surrounded with my immediate aiga in my daily life, these two principles are entrenched in my DNA. This means that when these things are absent or lacking in my life, they are missed. Therefore, I ensure that as a single mother my son is surrounded by love and has as much access to quality time with both my aiga and his fathers.

Since May 2016, my mother’s health has been, for want of better word, attacked and as the daughter of a Samoan woman, so too the importance of alofa and aiga has been challenged immensely in my life. First there was mums’ cancer scare, then the undeniable impact of suppressed depression and anxiety followed by a growing increase in memory loss. It took us 9 months of testing-waiting-retesting but in June 2017, my forever resilient-has-worked-12-hour-shifts-6-days-a-year-for-40-years mother was diagnosed with alzheimer’s.

Till this point alzheimer’s was the name of an almost illness that touched others but not me. One that effected my friends mother, one that was part of the storyline in The Notebook or something that ‘old people’ had. But now for my family, alzheimers is a lifestyle. An unfair and unwanted lifestyle.

I could write about how much I hate alzheimer’s, how it robs the ability for one to interact and live with loved ones till my hands are numb on this keyboard but instead I want to share my thoughts on how this disease has challenged my idea of fa’a Samoa. Of asking myself, “what does alofa looks like in practical daily life?” How the makeup of aiga may no longer be the idea of a traditional one. For me, Fa’a Samoa lately, has been a pain in my ass and I have never felt as pressured to the confines of a way of being before in my life YET still long for the idea of it so much.

I am very blessed to have amazing friends who support me and have helped me with my mum, my dear brother providing me emotional support and encouragement as he lives abroad and a handful of cousins overseas that check in with me regularly.

But to live 24/7 with a loved one that is trying to cope with this disease is hard work and sometimes all the encouraging words in the world just won’t help. Some days are heartbreaking, some days the possibility and hope feels closer and some days you want to cut lose and be the worse daughter in the world that runs far away. Not because you don’t love them, but because you feel that angry towards the disease or it hurts too much to watch your mum forget how to wrap a birthday present for her grandson.

 In Samoa, and many of our Oceanic islands the concept of the village to support, protect and help flourish aiga is embedded in our fa’a Samoa. The roots of this concept are deep and stretch back to our ancestors. Growing up with only my small immediate family in my daily life, I romantised this idea of a village surrounding me. In Samoa, we value our elders immensely. We take care of them, the village takes care of them. We don’t put them in rest homes. They don’t end up homeless because we take responsibility for them. It is even said to be a blessing to take care of your parents when they are grow older. These ideals are very strong within our culture. These ideals exist because there is a village. A village that is physically present in the day to day living of life.

 But what happens when there is no village? What happens when, the daughter and single mother with a fulltime job, the sole carer for a mother with alzheimer’s, IS the village?

This is when my understanding of fa’a Samoa is challenged. When resentment for there being no village, yet still feel the pressure to function as if you have that village can create a sense of guilt. When the doctors or specialists ask you if and when you want to put your mum into respite care and you actually contemplate it. As the daughter of a Samoan mother to contemplate that creates a strong conflict between the cultural values embedded in you and your own physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. A month ago I was speaking with another teine of the Pacific, who didn’t know about my mother’s health, about our families and she said, “I could never put my mum in a rest home, you just don’t do that, Pacific people just don’t do that.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her of my situation, what I did feel was defensive, but instead of sharing my experience I allowed the conversation to fizzle out. Leaving it feeling guilty and very ‘un-Pacific.’ This is only the very early stages of a journey and I hope my feelings evolve to a place of acceptance of peace but what I am exploring now is, what does fa’a Samoa look like when the key elements that underpin core principles do not exist? To be honest, I don’t have an answer for that right now and perhaps that is kind of the point. Perhaps it is a constant evolution? Perhaps is a cultural revolution that exists within families. One thing I do believe never shifts, that is love.

Love for aiga. Love for our parents. Love for self.

 

Video credits:  

Poet ~ Grace Teuila Evelyn Taylor

Special Guest ~ Fa'amuamua Elizabeth Sa'u Iwashita

Soundscape ~ Anonymouz

Filmed & Edited ~ Jeremiah Tauamiti

Creative Directors ~ Grace Taylor & Jeremiah Tauamiti

Funded by Creative New Zealand Pacific Arts